9 Let’s Have A Real Talk About Self-Care

Self-care is a topic you are going to hear about or read about throughout your career, and you’ve probably already been exposed to it on many levels. My experience is that most people misunderstand this subject. What I’ve frequently heard described as self-care is something more closely aligned with self-indulgence. Perhaps we could even describe it as hedonic pleasure.

Short-term escapes or sources of pleasure are not the same thing as self-care. Now don’t get me wrong, these behaviors – eating junk food, binge-watching favorite shows – feel really good for a limited time, and sometimes they might be part of a larger and more comprehensive self-care package. However, I think it’s important to distinguish true self-care from these ephemeral practices.

By self-care, I mean enduring habits that promote physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being. These are the very foundations of a thriving helping professional. They are the repetitive behaviors that we engage in that feed our internal and external well-being in a way that makes us better helpers, but also better friends, better partners, and happier people. They are the acts that move us toward the top of Maslow’s hierarchy, something close to self-actualization. They are the tools and routines that we hope our clients begin to adopt, and so we need to model those in order to be true to our word as well as to persist in the field.

That’s not to say that any of us will ever develop a perfect set of habits and behaviors that are always on point. We are, above all, human beings – flawed, imperfect, fragile. Yet it’s important that we’re always striving to be better and to be more holistically well.

I see our self-care and wellness in three primary categories. The first is emotional well-being, which consists of being in touch with, identifying, and understanding our feelings. Emotions are an essential part of how our minds function, and they are not to be ignored. When we are functioning well emotionally, we are able to turn negative emotional states into positive behaviors. We don’t try to suppress or ignore those negative emotions, but we are aware of them and we don’t let them interfere with our ability to function.

The second element of self-care is physical wellness. This dimension includes exercise and movement, diet, nutrition, and sleep. I contend that physical well-being is every bit as important to a professional helper as it is to a professional athlete. If we as helpers are tired, lethargic, and unwell on a regular basis, we’re doing our clients a disservice and setting a poor example for them. It’s difficult to take care of our own lives when we aren’t well physically. And of course, there is an intimate and intricate connection between mind and body. That connection should never be overlooked in our field because physical and psychological processes cannot be separated.

The third and final dimension I’m discussing in terms of self-care is spiritual wellness. This can take on a broad range of activities for people, but it might include things like meditation, prayer, participation in faith-based groups, artistic expression and enjoyment, and being in nature. Spiritual enrichment involves anything that helps us to get outside of ourselves and to appreciate the larger world and universe around us. A good friend of mine has a great way of summarizing this. When she looks for a spot to go on vacation, she says “I want to do something that makes me feel small.”

Sometimes our everyday lives have a tendency to take us away from those opportunities to feel small, or to view something beautiful, something that moves us away from ordinary levels of being. That’s why it’s so critical as a part of self-care that we find a way to make our own spirituality come to life on a regular basis. Maybe it’s not possible to do every day. But having some kind of regular interval, a part of our routine where we incorporate spirituality, is so important.

In the spring of 2020, the world experienced a collective event that shook us all out of our routines in wildly unpredictable ways. The pandemic caused by the coronavirus was a horrible human tragedy. One thing it did was to shine a light on how adaptable people can be, and how new habits and routines can be formed.

We’ve all heard many times about the importance of practicing self-care. We might even encourage our clients to practice these skills of emotional, physical, and spiritual balance, but do we model the same caretaking strategies that we espouse?

I struggle with making sure my own needs are met. It’s easy to focus on other people, or to address one of my needs while excluding others. And the area for me that gets most neglected is my physical needs. I developed a silly acronym to help remind me of some simple ways to make sure that my physical self is getting attention: CASHEWS.

That means getting more Clean Air, Sunshine, Healthy Eating, Water, and Sleep. Each of these things provides a foundation for physical self-care. They are also cues to trigger me to get outside and walk, make sure I am eating nutritious food, drinking lots of water, and allowing myself time to get enough sleep.

For most everyone, that equals 7-9 hours of sleep per day, and I find I am right in that range. The difference between getting at least seven hours of sleep and getting less than that amount is immense. For me, it’s the difference between trying to bake a cake with a match compared to using an oven – it’s that dramatic. Don’t underestimate the impact of sleep on your physical and emotional state, as well as the quality of your work, throughout the day.

If these things seem like basic needs, it’s because they are. They form the literal foundation of Maslow’s hierarchy. Without these, our intellectual, spiritual, and emotional selves will suffer. Research shows that organizations that promote healthy lifestyles, including increased physical activity and healthier eating, have been shown to improve worker productivity.[1] You can borrow this same concept and apply it on a smaller scale – to yourself.

Much of our life consists of habits (up to 50% of behavior, in fact), which is why fostering healthy habits is so critical. Late in his career, when my dad was working mostly from home and spending 10-12 hours per day in front of a computer, I wondered how he could function. Although it was incredibly taxing work, he managed to balance himself by practicing a few simple but powerful habits.

For one, he took a short walk outside every couple of hours. By doing so, he was getting clean air and sunshine, and incorporating the vital element of exercise that we all need. Further, he made sure to stop to eat meals at regular times, and to include fruits, vegetables, and nuts each day. Along those lines, another mantra I am working to incorporate into my own habits is that of More Water and Walking, Less Sugar and Sitting.

I know you may be tired of hearing about healthy habits, but they are a foundational part of a good life. It’s something we should promote to our clients and that we should be modeling as well. Further, by practicing the development of new habits ourselves, we gain greater insight into the challenges inherent in this process. We can better understand the tremendous struggle our clients have when it comes to establishing and maintaining new lifestyles.

When we take care of ourselves by eating healthy, drinking plenty of water, getting plentiful sleep, and generally caring for our bodies, it can lead to improvement in many other areas of our life, including work. Don’t overlook the importance of noticing your habits and working on a small practice that can bring huge changes.